


White Shadows - Red Lust

by iLibra



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Animal Death, Blood, Established Relationship, M/M, Peace Walker days, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-05-19 04:53:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5954308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iLibra/pseuds/iLibra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How could Ocelot have been so careless and let hismelf get attacked on his first solo mission? Why would nothing he ate still his lingering hunger? And most important: Why did this guy just bite him?</p><p>Rating will go up with following chapters~<br/>[This fic is on hiatus for now, sorry!! But it will be finished at some point, don't worry]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ocelot quickly pressed a hand on his neck, his mind going blank in confusion. _Did that guy just... bite me?_

Ocelot was on a solo mission under the Costa Rican sun, when an enemy soldier jumped him out of nowhere. He didn't even have time to react and the other man pressed him against the hard wall of a mountain, sinking his teeth in the exposed flesh of his neck. He couldn't even process what was happening to him. Ocelot felt a sharp pain and when the shock finally wore off, he quickly pushed the enemy from him and pulled out his revolver. He could see his own blood dripping from the other's mouth and he knew that he couldn't waste any more time. There was a bang and the enemy fell to the ground with a hole in his head. He could hear his heartbeat drumming in his ears. He had been careless and because of that the enemy had been able to attack him, and he was lucky that the soldier didn't manage to do any serious harm.

“Ocelot, you have to get out of there! There are too many enemies approaching. Head for the LZ!” he heard Miller's voice over codec and he started running, before he could even answer him. He could hear someone scream commands behind him and he just hoped the LZ wasn't far away.

“I'm on my way.” he breathed out, still clutching his neck with one hand. Why did that guy do something like that? Wouldn't it have been better for him to draw a knife or something? You can't kill a man by simply biting his neck, so what was the point?

Ocelot started feeling dizzy from the adrenaline, but most of all he felt exhausted all of a sudden. His legs were carrying him over the ground on their own and he could already see the helicopter coming down not far away from him. He collapsed on the floor in the helicopter when he reached it eventually, breathing hard, inspecting his blood covered hand. There definitely was too much red. Maybe he really had lost a bit too much blood and that was the reason he felt so dizzy. He couldn't even hear the questions the pilot asked before he lost consciousness.

 

The first thing he saw when he woke up was white. White walls and a white blanket. After some more blinking Ocelot could make out the surroundings of the medical bay, and the nightstand right next to his head on his right side. Even though he could feel that he slept for a long time, he still couldn't shake the feeling of total exhaustion.

"How are you feeling?" he heard John's voice from the other side of the bed. Ocelot turned his head around to see Big Boss sitting on a chair right next to his bed, some papers sitting on his lap and a pen in his right hand. He couldn't afford setting his work aside even for a moment, but still wanted to see how his commander and partner was doing and Adam both appreciated the gesture and felt embarrassed. He felt like he screwed up the mission, because he didn't pay enough attention.

"Not so bad." Ocelot lied, casting his gaze down on the white blanket. John didn't believe one word, but he decided not to bother Adam any further. John put a hand on his forehead to feel his temperature and Adam couldn't help but blush at his touch.

“At least it doesn't seem like you have a fever. The doctors said you lost quite a bit of blood.” John said in a gentle tone, withdrawing his hand after a few moments. Adam's hand immediately wandered up to his neck, finding a bandage wrapped around it. John watched him with a questioning gaze, as Ocelot sank back down on his bed, one hand still on his neck.

"How did this happen?" Big Boss asked him, pointing at his own neck to clarify what he meant. For some reason Adam couldn't manage to look him in the eye, so he continued to stare at his blanket. He just felt like he had failed John, who had given him this solo mission after Adam had practically begged him for it.

"I… can't quite remember. Everything happened really quick. I just know that… someone attacked me. I have no idea how I even made it to the LZ." Ocelot said, chuckling nervously, rubbing his neck as he sat up in his bed.

"Well, I'm glad you made it back in one piece." John said with a smile, leaning in to give Adam a kiss on his forehead, which made him blush with embarrassment. "I'd love to keep you company, but I have to get back to work now." he continued, cupping Ocelot's cheek for a few seconds before backing off and out of the room.

Adam stared at the door that Big Boss just went through, letting his hand wander to his neck again and he could feel his pulse beating under the bandage. He still couldn't figure out why the enemy would do something like that. He could still feel how the teeth broke his skin and teared it open, even though he didn't tell John. He just didn't want to make him worry even more. Only a few minutes later, exhaustion was taking over him again and he sank back into his pillow. He wanted to be fit again soon, so he could continue with his work on motherbase.

 

Ocelot was able to leave the medical bay after only two days, but he had to come back for some check-ups every now and then. The doctors made it seem worse than it actually was. Adam had lost quite a bit of blood from his injury and he still wasn't able to shake this exhaustion off, but otherwise he was fine really.

He took up his work again, training recruits and interrogating enemies whenever it was necessary. He didn't dare to take of the bandage for a few more days and when he did he was shocked by the strange bite mark he could see. He expected it to be in the form of a set of teeth and it kind of was, but two teeth marks were way deeper than the other ones. The two holes were just about one inch apart from each other. It didn't look like it would heal very soon, so Ocelot looked around the room for something to cover it with. He smiled when he found the red scarf he used to wear some years ago on mission Snake Eater. He had stopped wearing it when he joined MSF here in Costa Rica, because of the hot sun burning down on them. Wrapping it around his throat with a quick hand, he went back to his work.

A week went by and Ocelot didn't feel good, but the doctors weren't able to find anything that was wrong with him. No matter what he ate, he never felt full and his skin was always cold, no matter how long he stayed out in the sun, which wasn't the worst thing in this environment honestly. Snake was on a mission and wouldn't come back for a while and Ocelot just felt restless. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with him. He didn't have the energy to do anything and had a hard time focusing on his work.

 

“What are you looking at?” he heard Miller approaching him a few days later, when Adam was standing on one of the platforms, watching the recruits. Ocelot snapped his head around. He didn't even notice he had been staring at some recruits neck for the last few minutes and tried to bury his face in his red scarf.

“N-nothing. I was just... daydreaming I guess.” he mumbled into his scarf. Ocelot tried to come up with a reasonable excuse, but that definitely sounded weird. Kaz was looking at him suspiciously, but instead of looking him into his eyes, Ocelot's gaze traveled down to his neck. For some reason he couldn't keep himself from seeing the other's blood pump through his veins and he couldn't explain why. You shouldn't even be able to see that, right? But he did see it and couldn't stop staring. He only snapped out of it when Miller called him by his name again. With a stammered apology Ocelot quickly turned around and went back to his room, leaving Miller behind, who just shrugged and went back to his own business.

Ocelot was leaning on his sink, breathing heavily while he stared at himself on the mirror. His eyes were wide with shock and confusion, his heart almost thumping out of his chest. He felt panic rise in the pit of his stomach. What was wrong with him? Why did he feel this unbearable hunger? And the most important question: Were those... fangs?

Ocelot inspected his mouth in the mirror. Had his canines always been that sharp? He only had to brush his finger against it to break the skin, blood dripping from it when he withdrew again. This couldn't be right. His mind must be playing tricks on him. Closing his eyes for a few seconds he decided to cancel all of his appointments and lessons for today. He just felt so tired and exhausted. Everything would be better tomorrow for sure. Adam kept telling himself that he only had to get some sleep and everything would be fine. For the first time in forever he was actually glad John was on a mission at the moment. He would not be able to deal with him at the moment. But right before he drifted off to sleep he remembered that Snake would be coming back tomorrow.

Adam slept for the rest of the day and through the night, although he woke up in the middle of it, a shiver running down his back. It was way too cold in here. Walking to his wardrobe still half asleep, he pulled out a second blanket and a long sleeved shirt and stumbled back to bed, falling asleep immediately.

Crushing all the hopes he had, the next day wasn't any better. He still felt exhausted, even though he slept for more than twelve hours. He decided that he had to go to the medical bay again to get checked, but first he had to take care of some business, having neglected all his duties yesterday. But he couldn't even focus on training his recruits so he just told them to train by themselves. He still had to look over some files before Snake would come back from his mission in the afternoon. Ocelot was so wrapped up in his work, that he forgot about his plans to visit the medical bay again and when he got a call from their pilot, telling him that they would arrive in about 20 minutes, Ocelot slowly made his way to the landing zone.

Snake had been on a mission for about two and a half weeks and Ocelot was both glad and anxious to see him again. He kept fidgeting with his hands when he waited for the helicopter to come back to motherbase and couldn't shake a feeling of uneasiness. The sun was standing high when Adam could see the shape of the helicopter approach in the distance. Ocelot was standing there stiff, when it landed on the platform he was standing on and Snake got off.

John looked around, searching for Adam and went to him with quick steps after he spotted him. He was covered in blood and dirt and all of a sudden Ocelot's heart started drumming in his ears. Adam stared at him with wide opened eyes, frozen on the spot he was standing on. He couldn't hear what John was saying to him over his loud heartbeat, nor could he see his warm smile. The only thing he could do was stare at his blood-covered chest and face. And he only knew one thing: He had to get out of there right now.

Before Big Boss could put a hand on his cheek, asking him what's wrong, he was already running in the opposite direction. He didn't even know where he was running, until he thought of the one place he always felt safe. Breathing heavily he arrived at motherbase's zoo, that was built upon his suggestion. Miller had made a big fuss, but allowed it after Ocelot convinced him with the advantages they would have by having a zoo with sheep, cows and other animals here. This was the only place, except John's side maybe, where he felt safe and relaxed. Only that he didn't feel relaxed one bit when he arrived at the zoo today. Still breathing heavily, he collapsed on the ground at a spot between some bushes. Adam knew when it was time for the caretakers to feed the animals so he knew he was alone at the moment.

His brain still wasn't able to process what had just happened. His mind just went out and he could feel nothing but hunger. But hunger for what exactly? He shivered again, he couldn't shake this cold feeling for days now. Just what is happening to him?

He tried to calm down when a sheep approached him. It was the one he had named White, not caring what motherbase had actually decided to call him. And he could feel his canines poking into his lower lip, and his heart beating faster. There was only one thing he knew: He needed something and this sheep could give it to him.

Moving with an amazing speed he lunged himself at the sheep and bit down on pure instinct. He had no problems finding the right vein, he just knew. Adam could feel the poor animal struggle under him, but he didn't care at the moment, gripping it and holding it down on the ground. He needed blood and he needed it now or else he would go crazy. The salty taste was filling his mouth and he felt like it was the best thing he ever tasted. Adam's heartbeat slowed down and he didn't stop, even when he could feel the sheep going limp under him. He didn't stop until the last drop of blood ran down his throat.

When he backed off again, he was unable to move and his mind simply shut down. Adam remembered to breathe again and all what had just happened crashed down on him. He felt both utterly satisfied and horrified by what he had just done. Ocelot almost didn't dare to look down at the dead sheep that was lying right before him with a bloody neck. Tears were clouding his vision, blood still dripping from his mouth. Thousands of questions were filling his head, but only one remained in his mind:

“What have I done?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for Reading <3
> 
> This is the first chapter of my vampire AU that [tsund0ku_library](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tsund0ku_library) helped me to think through and edited for me :D This is planned as a 3-4 chapter fic, but we'll see where this leads us.
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments or on tumblr ( [ilibra.tumblr.com](http://ilibra.tumblr.com) ) if you want :)


	2. Chapter 2

Big Boss couldn't get a hold of Ocelot after he had returned from his mission. He got a different excuse every day and John was starting to get frustrated. They all had things to do here with MSF and he knew that, but that didn't mean that they couldn't get at least a little bit of time for themselves. He had noticed the dark circles under Adam's eyes and how pale he had gotten, despite the Costa Rican sun shining brightly every day. He probably spent too much time working inside and John really wanted him to take a break once in a while. But his next mission came sooner than he anticipated and he had to leave Ocelot behind on motherbase once again. 

Their Business was expanding almost too quickly to handle, but with everyone working together, Big Boss thought everything was going smoothly. The downside of it all was that he spend more time on missions than he did on motherbase at this point and even though he enjoyed the thrill of the battlefield, he missed his free time on motherbase. What he missed the most, though, was spending time with his lover who he didn't even get a chance to spend time with last time he was home. He could barely even get in contact with Ocelot these days with Kaz providing him radio support most of the time. He was so desperate for even a shred of information about Ocelot, he brought it up during a mission.

“Ocelot? I'm not sure what he's doing all the time actually. Although I heard some recruits saying that he spends most of his time at his office or at the zoo here on motherbase.” Kaz's voice echoed through the radio in John's ear.

“The zoo? What's he doing there of all places?” Big Boss asked, his gaze fixed on the outpost where a potential client was currently posted. Kaz had wanted him to check them out before he accepted their job offer, gather intel on them and see if they were reliable enough to work with. He studied the soldier's movements to find a hole in their security where he could slip in unnoticed.

“I have no idea, but he seems to spend a lot of time there from what I heard.” Kaz answered and Big Boss could only let out a disappointed grunt. Kaz took that as a sign to back off. He reminded his boss what information he needed to look for, that he should be careful, the usual stuff and shut the radio off.

Big Boss was left alone with his thoughts, trying to think of a reason why Adam would want to go to the zoo. Although it did fit his codename and John knew that he liked to go there for some peace and quiet from time to time, it was strange for him to spend so much of his time there even though he knew how much they had to do at the moment. Was he really that stressed out about his work at MSF? If that was the case, he should just come and talk to him about that. He knew that, right?

He was suddenly ripped out of his thoughts because there it was; the slip-up in security. He could use this blind spot to sneak in unnoticed. They forgot to cover the spot on their base fairly close to where he was watching, and where none of the soldiers had their sight on. He tried to push his concerns about Adam to the back of his mind to focus on his current mission.

\-------------------------

It had been a rough few days after that, and everyone on motherbase was busier than they could fully comprehend. Kaz had negotiated a big deal with one of their partners but they had to work hard to fulfill their requests. John was still trapped on a mission, a few hours away from motherbase. Since he needed some help with directions he decided to call Kaz and Ocelot who were working together in the intel room. He could hear some weird shuffling in the back of the intel room and then some muffled voices.

 _"Are you okay?"_ he heard Kaz's concerned voice.

 _"I'm fine... Don't come so close!"_ Ocelot said, breathing heavily, sounding strained like he was in agony.

 _"Whoa, well excuse me, but you look anything but fine to me."_ sounded Kaz's voice again.

There were some shuffling noises that Big Boss couldn't really make sense of and then he heard chairs being pulled back, scraping over the ground.

"Sorry Boss, you need us?" Kaz asked, now directly speaking into the microphone. John tried to remember what he called them for, but he couldn't focus on anything other than Adam and what he had just heard.

"Uh, yeah... I'll get to that in a minute. But first…" John tried to calm down and tell himself that everything was okay. "Adam, are you alright?" There was a tense moment of silence between them until Ocelot finally answered him.

"I'm fine, Boss, don't worry. _Did you leave the radio on again?_ " he could hear Ocelot whisper the last part to Kaz. John had no idea how to get through to Adam right now. He obviously wasn't fine, but he would have to talk to him when he got back to motherbase. The fact that Kaz was still in the room, listening to everything they said, made it even harder to talk to Adam.

"Well, okay. About what I wanted to-" Big Boss started but got cut short by a pained grunt from Ocelot.

"What's wrong?" John and Kaz asked in unison. That was what made John even more concerned, because Kaz could actually see Adam and still didn't know what was happening.

"I- I… Sorry, I- I have to go." Ocelot said, his words apparently muffled by his hand and John could hear the chair scraping over the floor again, but this time followed by a loud thump and then he could hear the door bang.

"What the hell happened?" John called out to Kaz who he hoped was still in the room.

"I… I have no idea Boss!" he said, dumbfounded. "He just… He got really pale all of a sudden and then he just… ran away." John could hear in Kaz's voice that he was just as confused as John was.

"Well… uh, tell me immediately if you find out anything more about Ocelot." he ordered, concern plain in his voice.

"Of course, Boss." Kaz assured him instantly.

That settled it. He had to talk to Adam as soon as he got back to motherbase. Pushing his concerns to the back of his mind for the rest of the mission was a tough challenge for him.

\-------------------------

He screwed up. Adam ran to motherbase's zoo as fast as his feet could carry him, ignoring all the curious stares from the recruits. With MSF being as busy as it was at the moment, Adam had neglected his hunger, had shoved it to the back of his mind. All his hard work of trying to control it by going to the zoo almost every day went to waste in this moment.

When he got there he took a quick look around to see if people were watching him. He relaxed slightly when he couldn't see anyone. He really didn't want a second "White"-case. Something like that had never happened again after that. He was always careful not to take too much, just enough to tide him over. But he was so hungry. He was always so hungry. Looking over to the shore where he had put a small tombstone into the sand when he had managed to smuggle the dead sheep off motherbase, he used the moment of silence to breathe. He kept his gaze fixed on the shore, imagining he could just make out the small tombstone, although he was too far away to clearly see anything.

Ocelot didn't have his peace for long, because the constant threat of immense hunger lingered in his mind. It became hard to breathe and he could feel his fangs coming, sliding in front of his real teeth. He needed blood, right now, but he had to be careful. He approached one of the sheep who was eating something in a corner and it looked at him with curiosity. It didn't take Adam long to develop a tactic to get the sheep to stay calm when he came. They knew he wanted to get some of their blood, but with Adam's soothing voice and gentle touch they stayed calm most of the time. A little treat for them at the end of the session was helping too, when he visited his pantry. Of course some of them were still scared of him, in the way any animal would be afraid of a visit at the vet, because they knew they could get hurt with syringes or other things.

He sat down in front of the sheep and even though he gave his best to stay calm, it still felt like he was just waiting to devour his prey. But everything went smoothly this time. He managed to get the sheep into a steady grip and carefully searched for the vein he needed. The animal under him was surprised, like they always were, but it stayed calm and Ocelot was stroking the fur behind his ear soothingly.

Adam's heart was beating faster when he could feel the first drops of blood running down his throat. It felt like his first meal after he had been starving for weeks or months, even though it had only been a few days at most. It was so satisfying and he craved for more more more…

The sheep was starting to struggle under his hold. He had taken too much, he had to stop now or it wouldn't end well, but it was so hard. He squeezed his eyes shut, tried to focus on pulling back, but his body just wouldn't move at first. It was when he heard the animals weak screams of terror that he finally managed to let go. The sheep wanted to run away, but Ocelot gripped it before it could do so, wrapping his arms around the small body, stroking the soft fur.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's okay now." he whispered soothing words to the animal in his arms. It didn't matter that the sheep had no idea what he was saying, he just felt the need to say something.

In this moment he felt both utterly satisfied and calm, but also horrified and thrilled. The animal had fallen asleep under him, probably from the loss of blood and Adam let out a sigh of relief when he could feel a pulse beating beneath him. He couldn't help but slowly close his eyes too and he drifted off to sleep before he knew it.

 

Ocelot had learned to control his cravings. He continued to go to the zoo every two days, and then, when he gained a little control on his hunger, every three days, always taking just a little bit of what he needed. He had almost forgotten his accident from a few weeks ago, when it struck him that Big Boss would return from his mission tonight. He still hasn't figured out how to explain his situation to John. How can you even attempt to explain something like that?

_Yeah, sorry, I got bitten by some weirdo on a mission and I guess I'm a vampire now? But don't worry, everything will be fine as long as I suck on a sheep every few days. Nothing to worry about._

Setting his paperwork aside for today, he decided to go to bed early so that he could avoid John at least one more day. Big Boss probably wouldn't be back before 3am or even later this night, so going to bed sounded like a good idea for now. He sunk into the pillows and after another hour of thinking about a possible explanation that John could understand, he gave up and fell asleep.

Adam slowly woke up to the feeling of a warm body hovering above him. And Ocelot felt cold, too cold. The urge to just wrap his arms around whoever had come into his room in the middle of the night was too big to resist. The man above him bowed down and the smell of gun powder and cigar smoke filled his nose, a smell he was way too familiar with. Too tired to open his eyes yet, he pulled John down into a deep kiss. It started slow, neither of them really caring to get anywhere with it yet. But all of a sudden an alarming voice in the back of his mind was telling him to open his eyes immediately. Adam opened his eyes and found himself staring into the crystal blue eye of Big Boss, who was still kneeling above him, and Adam broke the kiss, pulling his hands back as though he had just been burned.

"J- John! Wha- what are you doing here?" he stuttered and backed away from him on his bed, drawing his knees to his chest. That action didn't seem to sit right with John, who looked at Adam with disappointment in his eyes, sad about losing the intimacy they had just shared.

"I just came back from my mission, earlier than expected so I thought, you know, I could pay you a visit." he said calmly, though a frown tugged at his lips. Adam glanced at the clock and it was indeed only 1 in the morning. Ocelot really wanted to just wrap his arms around his lover and tell him how much he had missed him over and over again. But the dangerous voice in the back of his head told him something else. When his fangs almost threatened to come out, he slid off of the bed before Big Boss could react. He tried desperately to think of an explanation that would bring John to leave him alone for tonight. He was too hungry to have John with him right now.

"I- Sorry, but I'm… really tired, so…" he tried, but even he saw that this was the dumbest attempt to get John away. Adam couldn't even look him in the eye right.

"What is up with you, Adam? Why are you always avoiding me?" John took a step forward, coming closer, and Ocelot backed away unconsciously, something that only fueled Big Boss's anger even more.

"What? Are you afraid of me or something?" he said with hurt in his eyes.

"Wha- No!" 

_I think it's the other way around actually._ Adam added in his head. Adam stared a hole in the floor, he couldn't look at John's hurt expression. He just didn't know what to do. He didn't notice Big Boss moving until he was standing right in front of him. Adam let out a surprised gasp when the man before him suddenly gripped his shoulders.

"Adam, just tell me what's the matter with you." John said in a calm voice, worry written clearly on his face. Ocelot opened and closed his mouth several times, debating with himself of whether or not to tell him the truth.

And that's when he smelled it and the decision was cruelly ripped from his hands. The blood splatter on John's clothes overwhelmed his senses and he felt himself losing control. Before he could do anything he let out a mix of a growl and a yelp and bared his teeth, fangs sliding out.

John froze in his movements for a moment, trying to grasp what he was looking at, but immediately after that he backed away and stumbled several steps backwards, pure panic in his eye. And Adam remembered. He remembered the codec call he had overheard years ago, back at Groznyj Grad. 

_”Are you afraid?”_

_“What?”_

_“You're afraid of vampires, aren't you?”_

_“Don't be ridiculous.”_

Of course, how could he have forgotten? John was afraid of vampires even if he would never admit it. Adam tried taking a careful step towards John but the man just backed away again until his back hit the wall behind him. John slowly moved his hand to the survival knife located at his thigh and Ocelot could do nothing but stare in disbelief, wide-eyed.

"W- who are you?" John asked trying his hardest to keep his voice calm, but he couldn't hide the fear clearly dripping from it. John shook his head. "N- no… what are you?" he corrected himself. Ocelot could only continue to stare at him, his mouth hanging open and his hunger already forgotten.

"What do you mean? It's still me, John." Adam tried, a nervous smile of pure desperation on his face. He could see in Big Boss's eyes that he couldn't believe a word from Adam's mouth in this moment. Both man seemed to struggle with their words, John's grip tightening around the grip of his knife.

Ocelot took a few steps back again, not able to take his eyes off of the knife he could be stabbed with any moment if he wasn't careful. That realization made his heart sink in his chest. John was afraid of him, of the thing he had become. How would he ever be able to explain everything to him? Shit, he doesn't even have an explanation for all this.

Out of reflex he gripped one of his revolvers from it's holster. He could see John's body tense from Adam's gesture, but he didn't move from where he was standing. And so Ocelot started spinning the gun like he always did to try and calm down. The familiar ritual wasn't really helping this time, but he kept spinning it, hoping it'd work. He couldn't hide the sad smile on his face when he finally met John's eye, that was still full of panic and fear.

“I really fucked up... I'm so sorry. I have no idea what happened.” Adam couldn't stop the words pouring from his mouth. “Since that mission, my first solo mission... ever since that guy...” he trailed off, let his eyes roam around the room for a moment, struggling to find the words, shaking his head to try and get it clear.

“I keep having these cravings for- for blood and I just- I can't do anything about it. If I don't take care of it, I'll lose control and I-” Adam started babbling, breathing heavily, because his hunger was starting to bubble to the surface again and he couldn't be more disgusted with himself. He didn't even notice the tears starting to build in his eyes.

“I ki- I killed White, because I didn't have any control over it. I just kept taking more and more until the very last drop. Until he wasn't moving anymore; until his lifeless body was just... lying there.” he took in a shaking breath, his hand still spinning the revolver without a break. He didn't see John's hand moving away from the knife, nor did he see his expression soften. He was trapped in his own thoughts, could only see John's scared expression in his mind.

“I never thought I would feel guilty about killing someone ever again.” Ocelot let out a bitter laugh, but John remained painfully quiet. “But White was so... defenseless. He didn't deserve to die for something like this, whatever it is that's wrong with me.” His eyes roamed around the room again and he looked everywhere but at John, he just couldn't.

“And now you're... you, the person I trust with my life. Now even you're afraid of me, of the thing I have become. What the hell am I even? I'm a fucking-” he couldn't bring the word 'vampire' over his lips, he just couldn't. He sank to his knees and Big Boss actually made a step toward him, his arms stretched out in a failed attempt to catch Adam. The revolver started to feel heavy in his hand, but he only gripped it tighter. Ocelot wiped the tears away with the back of his hand, fingers still wrapped around the gun.

“I'm sorry, John. I didn't want it to turn out like this. I thought- For some reason I thought that you wouldn't mind. That you would still be on my side, no matter what... Maybe that was a stupid idea.” he dared to meet John's eye again and could only see confusion and a different kind of panic than before.

“Adam, I...” Big Boss finally found his voice again, but apparently couldn't think of anything to say. It probably wouldn't matter anyway, Adam thought.

Everything was happening really fast at this point, but at the same time it seemed to play out in slow motion for Adam. He pulled back the hammer, loosening it out of it's safety position.

“I'm sorry, John.” And he pressed the muzzle against his temple. John walked toward him with robotic movements, but he was too slow, still hesitating and unsure how to deal with the situation. Ocelot saw John's lips moving, mouthing the words he never heard before.

“No! Adam, I love you!”

But it was already too late. There was a bang and everything faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END...
> 
> Nah, I'm just kidding ;D Thank you for reading <3  
> This chapter got way longer than I intended it to, so I hope you enjoy! And as always a big thank you to my loyal editor [tsund0ku_library](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tsund0ku_library) :D
> 
> There are 2 more chapters planned for now, so stay tuned ;3  
> Tell me what you think in the comments or on tumblr ( [ilibra.tumblr.com](http://ilibra.tumblr.com) ) :)


	3. Chapter 3

It took a long while for Adam to notice and an even longer time for John. Ever since Operation Snake Eater nothing felt right for Ocelot. He could see John was a capable man and a great soldier, but that wasn't all there was to it, it felt different. It _was_ different. And when he finally figured out what he was feeling, he was in utter denial about it. No _way_ could he so easily fall in love. And to a man like _him_ on top of that. He never felt something even close to love for anyone, and he had thought it would stay like that for the rest of his life. But he was wrong.

In Adam's line of work you couldn't trust anybody, you could never speak freely, you always had to consider who to give information to and what about. But it was different with John. When he snuck into his quarters, he gave him all the information he knew Big Boss would need. Information was the most valuable commodity, not something you shared over drinks, but of course it was different with John. It was _always_ different with John. 

Their meetings kept getting longer and more frequent until Ocelot visited him once every week. Even if his work kept him busy, he just had to go and see John. Their conversations drifted from work to other topics and gradually it started to feel like a casual meeting between two friends. But then John suddenly asked him.

"Why are you doing all this for me?" he asked in usual low, even tones, genuinely curious. Somehow this threw Ocelot for a loop.

"Wha- What do you mean?" Ocelot asked, fidgeting with his revolvers, trying to seem calm and unaffected. He had feared this question. He knew John would ask it eventually, but that didn't mean he was prepared to answer.

"You're giving me all this sensitive info from your contacts, you come over here every single week just to talk, and you never ask for anything in return. Why are you doing this, Ocelot?" Big Boss asked him, calm as ever. The sound of his codename out of Big Boss's mouth sounded wrong in Adam's ears and anger he hadn't even realized he'd been repressing boiled up.

"Well, if you haven't figured it out by now, then- then you never will!" he blurted out. He stared at John's utterly confused face for a moment before storming out of his office without a word of goodbye.

Their next meeting was, to say the least, awkward. Adam could feel the other's gaze lying on him every single moment. There was nothing left of the friendly conversations they used to have, what with the way Big Boss was awfully quiet the whole time. With a deep sigh Ocelot got up to leave, a lot sooner than he used to go. But the moment he stood up John did the same. Unsure of what he was planning to do, Adam could only stare at him. His heart was in his throat when John started walking toward him slowly, getting closer and closer. Too close.

"You're in love with me, aren't you?" John said out of the blue. Ocelot was stunned for the moment. Did he really just say that or did Big Boss punch him and Adam was actually lying on the floor unconscious right now?

"Wha- What?" was the only thing Adam managed to say. He walked backwards until his back hit the wall behind him and John didn't stop, he kept coming. He put his hands on the wall, framing Ocelot's face, who suddenly forgot how to breathe.

"Well, I thought about it, and I think I figured it out." John said with a smug grin, looking down at him. Adam's brain completely shut down at this point. All the pent up desire and all the years they already lost crashed down on him when he gripped John by the collar of his shirt and yanked him down, smashing their lips together. 

At first John seemed like he didn't quite know what to do, but as soon as Adam moved his lips against his mouth, John took control of their kiss. His hands wandered to the back of Adam's neck, deepening the kiss and taking his breath away. Ocelot could feel his face heat up when John slowly pushed his tongue into his mouth, and everything seemed to slow down.

Adam was thrust back to reality when they both drew back for air. They both simply stared at each other, breathing heavily, Adam's hands still curled in the fabric of John's shirt.

"Well, you still haven't answered me yet." John said eventually with a mock serious expression on his face. At least Ocelot thought it was fake.

"You- God…" Ocelot shook his head in disbelief and leaned forward for another kiss, but Big Boss didn't let him. Ocelot gritted his teeth. "Yes, John… I… love you, okay? I love you." he mumbled under his breath, looking up at Big Boss, who simply had his trademark smirk on his face.

Not wanting to embarrass himself even further, Adam pulled him closer again, his lips ghosting over John's face. He let out a gasp when John suddenly gripped his hips and pulled him even closer, the bulge in Adam's pants pressing against John's thigh.

Ocelot let out a low moan, still not able to believe that any of this was actually happening. When John slowly kissed down his jaw, Adam was just hoping that he wouldn't wake up now. If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up again.

 

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The first thing he heard was John's voice, far off in the distance. Adam tried to make out what he was hearing, to connect the sounds with words. It took him a long time to figure out that it was actually his name. He knew that if he opened his eyes, he'd be cold again. He'd be so, so cold, and he just wanted to be warm. 

When the voice became more urgent, it all came crashing down on him again. John, the revolver, the bang, the darkness that had surrounded him.

His eyes snapped open with a sharp intake of breath and he was staring into John's eye yet again. He looked so shocked, his eye wet, if barely visible. For a single second, neither of them could register what had just happened, both simply trapped in each other's gaze. Then something in Adam broke, and tears began rolling down his cheeks, his body wracked with uncontrollable sobs. Adam wrapped his arms around John's neck, pulling him closer and burying his face in the crook of his shoulder, stifling his sobbing. John's arms tightened around him in response, squeezing him reassuringly. 

"Adam. Adam, I'm so glad." John whispered into his hair, kissing the top of his head gently. Adam was so relieved to hear John's voice again, that he was holding him in his arms again, that Adam could feel him again. All the affection he had missed since he had been bitten crushed down on him now, and he couldn't speak, he couldn't do anything but pull John closer and stain his shirt with his tears. 

Neither of them knew how long they sat there until Adam's tears finally died down. It felt like both hours and mere seconds. Adam couldn't stop babbling about how sorry he was and John just held him, whispering soothing words into his ear until they'd both quieted down, simply sitting together, holding each other close. 

After an almost peaceful moment, John finally broke the silence. 

"You were so cold… I thought- I really thought I lost you..." John let out a sigh of relief, his gaze roaming over Ocelot's face. Adam felt a weird throbbing on the side of his head and he pressed a finger to his temple. There was what felt like a wound from a bullet hole, but it was already healed, and it felt like it was years old already. No one would believe him if he told them it was only a few minutes old. John moved his hand to the other's cheek, stroking it gently and Adam leaned into his warm touch.

"You still don't look so good." John frowned, stroking Ocelot's cold cheek. Adam averted his gaze. He still couldn't process what just happened, but there was one thing he knew.

"That's because I'm…" but he couldn't bring the words over his lips.

"Hungry?" John finished for him. They both knew what kind of hungry they were talking about. Ocelot nodded once, ashamed. Even though John was holding him in his arms right now, he couldn't shake the fear of rejection. What if John only wanted to hold him in his arms one last time before he would get rid of him by tossing him into the sea or something? His thoughts were interrupted when John suddenly stood up.

"Okay, let's go." he said, offering his hand for Ocelot to take it.

"What? Where?" Adam answered, confused, staring at the hand before him. Was he really going to toss him into the sea now? Adam's thoughts were racing, barely even focusing on John's words as he tried to figure out an escape plan should he really be tossed from Motherbase. 

"To the zoo of course." Big Boss answered as if it was obvious. Adam could only sit there and blink at him, which made John drop his hand with a sigh.

"Do I have to carry you there?" John chuckled, reaching over and stroking Ocelot's cheek with his thumb, a smile on his face. Adam could feel in his touch that he was still cautious, almost wary, though his smile looked concerned and full of love. Ocelot could still feel his hesitation and it hurt, but it was definitely better than what he had imagined.

"N-no. I can walk there myself." Adam almost pouted, which made John chuckle again. Ocelot got up hesitantly, his hunger starting to force itself into his mind again. He had to get some blood and quick, before anything could happen. Adam made sure to keep a safe distance from John and John didn't push him. They both didn't know how to deal with this situation yet. Adam just didn't know if he could deal with his hunger if John were to come too close, not now that the shock of pressing a revolver to his own head and pulling the trigger had worn off. 

They walked to the zoo together in silence, John walking ahead of him. Once they were at what had become his feeding ground, Ocelot easily cornered one of the sheep and bowed down, already feeling his teeth slide out. Before he could lean any closer though, he felt John's gaze on him, making him feel intensely uncomfortable.

"Could you… turn around?" Adam asked, not able to meet John's gaze. He could see from the corner of his eye that Big Boss wanted to protest, but he seemed to decide that he actually didn't want to see this. John obediently turned his back to him.

Being denied his blood for far too long, his vampiric hunger took control over him and his teeth broke completely free. Without any further hesitation he sunk his fangs into the sheep's neck, holding the animal down all the while. Adam felt his mind slip away while the delicious red liquid ran down his throat. He would have probably lost himself completely if it wasn't for John standing right next to him. Even if he wasn't looking at him, he felt the guilt creeping up in the back of his mind. He attempted to drink the blood as quietly as possible so that he had something to focus on, so that he wouldn't lose control. The pressure of John by his side and Adam trying to be quiet made him finish quickly. 

Having taken what he needed, he pulled the weakened animal into a hug, stroking its thick, soft coat. Since the sounds from Adam had stopped, John turned around slowly, taking in the sight of Adam and the sheep on the floor. He couldn't help but smile gently, even though he could see a hint of red seeping into the sheep's white coat where Ocelot had sunken his teeth in.

"So do the sheep get all of your hugs lately?" Big Boss asked, only half joking. He was still sad because of the weeks without seeing his lover. What was he even thinking, trying to go through all of this alone? Adam blushed slightly because of his question.

"Well, it's just… I feel like it's the least I can do for doing… this." he answered, not meeting John's gaze. Big Boss stared off into the sea for a moment.

"I'm charging more than a hug though…" he mumbled more to himself.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it." John shrugged it off with a smile. Adam wasn't sure if he should be concerned or not.

"Now come on, it's getting cold." John said, pulling him up on his feet. Adam tried to walk away, but John stopped him, putting his hands on his shoulders. 

"Adam… you know I'm not good with words, but uhm…" Adam chuckled at this comment. John really was the worst at talking about emotions and anything relating to that.

"I just want you to know that we'll go through this together." John finished.

Unable to speak around the lump in his throat, all Adam could do was nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoaaaa, I'm so sorry this update took so long, guys... there was a lot going on in my life and I also got sick a few times and didn't feel like writing. Sorry you had to bear with this cliffhanger for so long!
> 
> I really hope you enjoy reading this chapter if you can even remember this fic.
> 
> As always big thanks to my beta reader [tsund0ku_library](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tsund0ku_library), who edited this even though she was so busy!
> 
> Please leave me a comment or tell me what you're thinking on tumblr ( [ilibra.tumblr.com](http://ilibra.tumblr.com) ) :)


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